Coping...

Today has been particularly hard.

I awoke at 3am, for no particular reason, maybe I'm smoking too much, maybe drinking too much, maybe too much caffeine...either way it doesn't matter, I was awake. At 4am, it was too much, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen, made lunches for my wife and daughters, and read, and read, and read. Anything to take my mind off whatever was keeping me awake.

then after dropping my two girls off to school, I headed to my 'new' workplace, for some sort of 'get-together' I didn't hold much hope for it being my kind of thing, and tried to take my mind off it on the way by blasting (and I mean blasting!) heavy rock and metal as I find this music a good way to release. Anyway, turning up at the new site was an experience, one I don't care to do again. If there is one thing I cannot stand, is people who think they know what you are going through. However, in saying that, listening to the 'bad' and 'good' things from that day was emotional, my preference was to say nothing...but I could not get out of there quick enough, especially when the company started waxing lyrical.

So, into my work, one of the two things I do well to get my mind off things. However on the way back I found myself at the exact spot where the car kicked out when the earthquake hit last week...I turned around and parked on the same spot, waiting the half hour until the Nation remembered for two minutes the time it hit; 12:51pm. The radio played the full National Anthem, the first time as a NZ Citizen I can remember singing it out loud. And I cried, or at times, tried to cry. Isn't it hard when you can feel them coming on and yet they don't? You feel so guilty and insensitive, and yet know that if the water works started, you probably couldn't stop them? Katie TXT me halfway through, telling me how much she loved me and remembering the shit she went through trying to get hold of me at this time. And I cried more, and I cried for those who can't anymore, and for those who are going to cry a lot more when they know the 'official' fate of their loved ones. Cars sped past, and I cried in anger that they didn't bother to stop to acknowledge the moment. And then, I stopped - it seemed like I had cried for ages, but it was barely the two minutes..started the car and drove to Katie. And we hugged in the street and cried some more...

Then sometime soon after it hit me why I wasn't coping; I cannot handle the calls for assistance, the unending TXT, emails and calls to see if I was OK. I am a person who helps others, finds solutions, fixes their problems, provides the shoulders. To have it the other way round does not sit well with me, I am the provider, not the requirer (if that is a word). Not that I am ungrateful, please don't read it that way, but I have gone through life standing on my own two feet, and being there for others - I have never needed, or admitted that I have needed, help from others unless I have asked for it.

Which will ultimately bring me to the issue I have with those who have pissed me off - those I have always been there for, but have not shown me that it works the other way, or/and if and when they did, it seemed way too little, way too late. And when I feel compelled to write this down, it will upset some, but at this point in time, I don't really care, because I feel betrayed and abused by their apparent lack of compassion...compassion I was not lacking in for others during this difficult time, compassion I might have actually appreciated, welcomed, even embraced. How I hate those with theoretical life skills................and now the toll is 155...fuck, that is the roll call of my daughter's school, and I find that hard to comprehend.

Waiting...and the uncertainty

It is so hard to explain the emotions we are running through, probably easier to document what we are and aren't doing.

The days immediately following the quake, it was chaos and dread. Was there another one coming? Who was dead? Who haven't we contacted? The phone calls and TXT kept coming in, and most we ignored, not because we didn't want to answer, more a case of we couldn't...I mean, what would we say? We kept repeating the same old story over and over again, deep down knowing how lucky we were, like many, but always in the back of our minds was that others weren't. And also knowing, almost expecting, that the next one, and there will be a next one, could be the end of us, or worse, one or two of us.
And taking that element of uncertainty away, what is in store for us? Katie has just started at a new job, and actually, if you excuse the pun, seems to be as safe as a bank, but for me? I have had no communication from my employers, be it Scoot, Digi, or VFNZ. We are completely in the dark as to their future plans - I mean, I am in acquisition...who the hell is going to do business in the immediate and mid-term future? For some I understand the need for a cash injection, a quick fix, to get the necessities, but we have been left relatively unscathed so long term security is more our concern.
Katie's work has been brilliant! From Aussie HO organising to get her home ASAP, to organising a hotel for meetings, updates, and even simple things like a shower and laundry...and on top, the following day money was put into her account for emergency use. She has had at least two phone calls a day from management, and today she goes back to work to a meeting from the "big boss" who will no doubt lend all the support required to the team down here. I have asked her to take the EAP on offer; now and again, and more frequently as time goes on, she just breaks down. It is not necessarily brought on by the news (although invariably is), but small things like dropping a cup, breaking a nail, or one of the kids being naughty. She is symptomatic of the stress and pressure we are feeling down here. I can only be so strong myself, trying to hold us together, but I am not an expert in this area. My usual response it to crack jokes, it's my self defence mechanism, but I just can't find anything funny to say (although some would say I was never that funny anyway!). So I just mull on best I can...beers, smokes, and coffee a big part of my routine...eating sometimes, and not wanting anything other times. Not good for the system but what else is there right now?
As I write this, I am trying to keep myself busy with ironing, laundry, and other chores otherwise the sitting around will get to me, and avoid the TV as much as I can - the ongoing coverage is repetitive, but you have to endure it to get more updates on deaths, names, and routines. But at 148, it is becoming fantastical. Just like the day it happened when it didn't really seem like it had (or could), the rising death toll became a morbid curiosity...but until it reached 100, it didn't seem to register. But 100, shit that suddenly makes it big, real, and ever more tragic. Sometimes hearing the stories makes me tear up, sometimes they harden my resolve, but either way, it makes me numb and indifferent...