In the Navy...Moonfish

When at sea on good days the CO of HMNZ warships would call 'Hands to Bathe' and the crew go for a dip, and a pipe (broadcast) generally went like this;

Hands to Bathe...starboard side. Shark Watch Crew close up. Do not use heads (toilets) and showers on the starboard side of the ship.

This pipe was fairly self-explanatory, sharks are always about and the last thing someone wants to dive into is someone else's excrement. To clarify the use of toilets at sea, once in the open ocean (normally out past 100+km from any coastline) waste would dump directly out into the sea rather than be held on board in treatment plants.

This particular story has us out in the South China Sea, posted on HMNZS Wellington (F69) and it was a stunning day - and soon after the pipe most of the crew who were not on watches were jumping off the side of the ship into beautiful blue water and carrying on only as young men are want to do.

I was just a young Midshipman, still in training, and me and about 10 other "Middies" were posted to Wellington (nicknamed  'The Goat Boat') for 6 weeks to experience life at sea while she was taking part in Operation Starfish, a five country defence exercise. One of my fellow Junior Officers Trent just happened to be scrambling back up the net for another dive in when you guessed it, a head on the same side was flushed, and the outlet was aimed directly at the centre of his chest and out it came and covered him! In surprise, astonishment and disgust Trent fell back into the water in a futile attempt to get away from it and clean it off himself. People were scrambling everywhere as the mist of poohs and wees drifted far and wide, very reminiscent of the scene from Caddyshack.

I was up on deck, didn't actually go for a swim that day as I was one of the sharpshooters on Shark Watch and watch with tears in my eyes as Trent slowly clambered back on deck, remnants of 'Moonfish' still caught in his chest hair!

Just when you thought is was safe to enter the water...

FYI, no one ever fronted up for using the wrong toilets.

In the Navy...The Gunnery Range

When a RNZN Ship comes out of refit (a process to cover the rust with more layers of paint, fill the hold in with new cement, restock the bar fridges etc) they then ship off to Aussie for Sea Acceptance Trials (SATs) which is a sort of a WOF for warships. It involves a series of different exercises including speed trials, fire fighting drills, war games, and gunnery (or weapons) testing.

The old (now retired and sunken) HMNZS Waikato (F55) was carrying out such gunnery testing off Beecroft Peninsula using it's 4.5" twin turret. Nowadays turrets on warships are automatic, hydraulics and electronics load, aim and fire on targets over the horizon, however the Mk6 Mod 4 guns on "The Waka-tooo" (Waka-too, the War Canoe) were completely manual - "Gunners" (Gunna do this, Gunner do that) manually loaded shells (High Explosive, Armour Piercing, Star Shell etc) and cartridges full of cordite into a breech and rammed them shut. The Principal Warfare Officer, deep down in the bowels of the ship in the Ops Room and his team would load figures into what barely passed as a computer that would swing the turret onto its target (or close enough to it) and then a person cramped into a small space in top of the turret looking out a little window would confirm 'gun on the range' - this would be acknowledged back down below and then a moment of silence before the shells would be fired at their target up to 25,000 yards (about 12 miles) away.

Well this day off Beecroft, I was asked to be "Captain of the Turret" which was pretty cool as Officers weren't normally 'invited' into the Gunner's realm and it is about as close as you can get to the the shooting. Laid off the range about 10kms away, my job was to visually confirm the gun was aimed between two large coloured signs indicating the extreme edges of the range so falling shot would not put anyone (like the observation tower) at risk. Our helicopter was also flying above the range to provide 'fall of shot'.

I called 'gun on the range' after judging the turrets were in fact aimed between the signs and the guns roared. Silence as everyone waited for the tell tale 'puffs' on the land...but I didn't see any looking out my little window, but the first thing I heard was "Check! Check! Check!" in a thick Aussie accent. This came from the observation tower as our shells landed within a mile of them!!!! We were somewhere in the region of 5 miles off target!!!!

And of course you know who was to blame!

In the Navy...

The Defence of NZ Rests With This Guy...

At the time of this ditty I was posted on HMNZS Waikato (F55), and ageing Leander Class Frigate of the RNZN, and we were participating in a joint exercise in the South China Sea called Operation Starfish (so called as five nations are part of this pact, NZ, Australia, Singapore, Indonesia, and UK).

Normally a lot of it was boring passages through expanses of water with intermittent fictitious war games involving warplanes, subs, carriers and other surface craft. On this particular night I had the Morning Watch (0400-0800) and was Second Officer of the Watch (2OOW) to a Sub-Lieutenant. He was a pretty good bloke and didn't pull rank on us juniors (in fact I was the only Junior Officer Under Training - JOUT) on Waikato so had to carry out a lot of watches, and some OOWs were complete dickheads, and some were OK...anyway, back to this Subby, he was an OK guy, however he tended to stress and was always trying to make an impression on the Captain (CO), whose rank was in fact Commander (just one of the many oxymoron's in the forces) and came across sometimes as what we call a 'crawly bumlick'.

So, where was I? Right...so we had this watch, and we were cruising the waters in silence as reports were about that 'hostile' forces were in the area and we were to see if we could locate them without being traced, so he thought he would make an impression by finding one. Soon enough, he had his chance when he sighted a masthead steaming light (the white light at the top of the tallest mast on a ship)...the conversation went something like this;



"Captain - Captain! Trouble at the pointy bit!"



OOW; OPS, Bridge, contact bearing green 15 range approximately 12 miles. Report.

Now the Navy is full of abbreviations, slang, and terminology, so to make it easier, this sentence to a landlubber would read; Control Centre (a place in the guts of the ship where all manner of radar and sonar plots are kept, and is where all warfare is controlled from). I have seen something, a possible ship, 15 degrees left of our direction, on the horizon. Can you please tell me what it is? Savvy?

OPS; Bridge, OPS. We have nothing on the plot (a big mapping table that shows any and everything out to about 50 miles). Please confirm.

Translation; Are you sure you can see something?

Me and the OOW scan the area with our binoculars, and I am at this point trying to figure exactly what he is looking at, as I don't see it. I prided myself on my night vision and ship and recognition.

After a couple of minutes, the OOW is still looking at his masthead light, and its height above the horizon is increasing, indicating it moving closer to us, or we were gaining on it.

OOW; OPS, Bridge, please report contact green 15, range closing.

Translation; C'mon guys, I can see it, and it's getting closer.

OPS; Bridge, OPS. No contact on that bearing, plot clear.
 Translation; Is our plot working? We ain't got nothing, and there is nothing within cooey.

By now, the masthead light is separating faster which would indicate that a ship was headed towards us, and seemed to be on a converging course, i.e. it could collide with us if we both kept course. By now I am double guessing my sight, as I still couldn't see anything. It was dark, but not so dark in these areas that even minimal light would show silhouettes.

OOW; OPS, Bridge, contact is closing fast, bearing green 10. Report!

Translation; Shit guys, this could be embarrassing if I have to call up the CO, stop dicking around down there!

OPS; Bridge, OPS. Please provide bearing and inclination of contact.

Translation; Oi, can you please tell me where it is, and how high above the horizon the light is?

It was at this point I could see what was happening, but there is one thing you don't do (unless life is at risk), and that's correct a senior officer if it had an embarrassing outcome. I passed the details asked for to the OOW, and he relayed them to OPS. After a few minutes, during which the OOW was starting to worry (in his calculations, the contact was within 5 miles), OPS came back. The Subby had his hand on the comms to the CO, ready to get him out of his 'pit'.

OPS; Bridge, OPS. We have details on contact bearing green 5. I swear, I heard a hint of a snicker here. Contact is the Morning Star, Venus.

Translation; You're a dick.



The remaining three hours of the watch was dead quiet. And for the record, the 'contact' was not recorded in the Ship's Log.

The Innocence of Kids...

This was emailed to me and is a collection of kid's comments about the ocean...there are some priceless ones in here, but I am susprised there are no "seaman" jokes. The last one to me is the best...only becuase this happened to me (well, not married, but engaged)...

   1)  - This is a picture of an  octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
   
   2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.  (Jerry, age  6)
  
   3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you  are an island.  If you don't have ocean all round you, you are  incontinent.                   (age  7)
   

  4) - Sharks are  ugly and mean, and  have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson She's not my  friend any  more.             (Kylie, age  6)
  
   5) - A dolphin  breaths through an  asshole on the top of its head.  (Billy, age  8)
  
   6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with  2 other men and a  woman and pots and comes back with crabs.  (Millie,  age  6)
  
   7) - When ships  had sails, they  used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when  the wind  didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.  My   brother said they would have been better off eating beans.   (William,  age 7)
  
   8) -  Mermaids live in the ocean. I  like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like  their shiny tails, but how on  earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,  really?   (Helen, age  6)
  
   9) - I'm not going to write about the  ocean. My baby  brother  is a always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my  Mom, and my big sister  has just got pregnant, so I can't think  what to write. (Amy, age  6)
  
   10) - Some fish  are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting.  Electric eels can give you a shock.  They have to  live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug  themselves in to  chargers. (Christopher, age  7)
  
   11) - When you  go swimming in the  ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my wily small.  (Kevin, age  6)
  
   12)  - Divers have to be safe when  they go under the water.  Divers can't go  down alone, so they have to go  down on each other.  (Becky, age  8)
  
   13) - On  vacation my Mom went  water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast.  She says she  won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass..  (Julie,  age 7)
  
   14)  - The ocean is made up of  water and fish.  Why the fish don't drown I don't know.  (Bobby, age  6)
  
   15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean  He knows all  about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit  being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)